


It's Like A Storm Inside

by maschinenmensch



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/F, NSFW, Poor Holtzmann, Smut, There is NO FLUFF HERE, Unrequited Holtzbert, way too much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-27 06:48:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8391394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maschinenmensch/pseuds/maschinenmensch
Summary: Holtzmann knows she should stop it. But she feels powerless. And eventually it will destroy everything.





	1. you're the blood of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: This story is full of angst. It's full of smut. And there will be no happy ending here. If this isn't your thing, steer clear.
> 
> Also this fic features what some might consider is an abusive/manipulative relationship and a very uncanon depiction of Erin Gilbert. So yeah, it's not pretty.
> 
> Basically what it boils down to is I was having a rough couple of days recently and I took it all out on poor Holtzbert. 
> 
> Sorry dudes.

*Thunk*

The balled up piece of paper Holtzmann had attempted to throw in the trash bin across the lab hit the rim and rolled across the floor. It joined several other paper balls of various sizes, along with a few that Holtz had actually managed to get in the can.

Holtzmann sighed.

_I should go home. Staying here is a waste of time._

Her rational mind knew this. But emotionally she could just sit here in the mostly dark lab, feet propped up on the table, goggles perched on top of her head: Trying not to think, but thinking. About a particular physicist who she was sure was not contemplating her existence at this moment.

_Erin’s probably getting laid right now, and I’m sitting here pinning for another straight girl. Way. To. Go._

Holtzmann rubbed her face with her hands, remembering the brief conversation the two of them had earlier in this very lab.

“Soooooo…” Holtzmann had slid up next to Erin has she often did, making sure at least some part of her body was touching Erin’s ( _because that’s as close as you’re ever going to get_ ). “It’s two-for-one pizza night at the dive down the street. How about you and me get a couple of pies and hope we don’t get food poisoning after we blow this pop stand?”

Erin had given her a slight smile. “As intriguing as that sounds Holtz, I’m going to have to take a rain check. I have a date tonight.” She turned and walked away.

“With who?” Holtzmann shouted before she could stop herself.

Erin turned, looking slightly peeved. “His name is Tom - you remember him. He was the owner of that bookstore where we captured that Class 4 last week. We chatted on the phone, and he asked me out to dinner, so I said yes. What’s it to you anyway?”

Holtz rubbed the back of her neck, slightly embarrassed. “I was just...curious that’s all. Have fun Erin. Don’t break any laws if you can help it.”

Erin smiled. “Thanks Holtzy. Have a good night.”

After she had left, Holtz had sunk down into the worn couch in her lab until Patty came up to check on her some time later.

“Hey baby,” Patty sat down next to her and put her hand on Holtz’s knee. “You ok? It’s been kinda quiet up here.”

“I’m fine,” Holtzmann looked straight ahead and frowned.

“You’re upset Erin’s got a hot date tonight, aren’t you?”

Holtzmann sighed. Patty had figured out she had a huge crush on Erin months ago. Patty was the person she’d turn to in order to vent her frustrations, and more often than not, was the shoulder she would cry on when she was overwhelmed by her feelings.

“Yeah, well. It’s not like I can do anything about it”

“You could. You could go to whatever cheap-ass restaurant that dude is probably taking her to, declare your undying love for her and punch that jackass in the nose.”

Holtz couldn’t help but smile. “You’re good people Patty, you know that?”

“Eh, that’s what they tell me.” Patty gave Holtzmann a quick hug and stood up.

“Don’t stay here all all night Holtzy. Go home, pop in a favorite movie or do whatever it is you do at that apartment of yours.”

“It’s too bad you’re straight Tolan. I could fall in love with you ya know.”

Patty laughed. “Shut your face and go home girl. You’re delirious.”

“Bye Patty.”

“Bye Holtzy.”

The sound of the door to the firehouse opening downstairs snapped Holtzmann’s mind to the present. She glanced at the wall clock.

_It’s 11:30. Who the hell is in here at this hour? Robber? Ah, shit._

She quietly slid off her stool and grabbed one of the many lead pipes that littered her lab.

_Remember, plant your front foot and swing Holtzmann. Drive this asshole’s head over the wall of Yankee Stadium._

Holtzmann crept down the stairs as quietly as possible. She noticed a figure hovering near Kevin’s desk. It wasn’t very tall, and was wearing a skirt and high heels.

_Wait a damn minute…_

“Erin?” Holtzmann put her arms down and placed the lead pipe at the foot of the stairs.

Erin turned around. “Hey Holtzy. I’d figured you’d still be here.” She smiled.

_She’s tipsy. What the hell is she doing here?_

“Uh, yeah. You know me, burning the midnight oil. What are you doing here so late? How was your date?”

Erin walked briskly towards Holtz and stopped only about a foot from her. With her heels on, Holtzmann had to look up to see her face. There was a look in her eyes Holtz had never seen before.

_What is she…_

“It was a dud Holtzmann. He was so boring. After about an hour of listening to him drone on about book shelving techniques and back issues of the Times, I pretended I didn’t feel well and went to the bar around the corner instead. But, I’m still not ready to go home yet…”

Erin took the paisley tie that Holtzmann had tucked into her shirt out and began stroking it.

“Um, Erin…”

Erin looked directly into Holtzmann’s eyes.

“See Holtz. I really needed to get laid tonight. It’s been far too long for me and when it was obvious it wasn’t going to happen, I thought maybe having a few glasses of wine would calm me down and I could just go home. But it made things worse. And then I remembered you’d probably still be here.”

Holtzmann’s mouth went dry. _Turn around. Run before it’s too late..._

“You’re such a good person Holtzy. I figured you’d know how to help me with my problem.”

With that Erin leaned down and captured Holtzmann’s lips with her own. It wasn’t a chaste kiss. It was needy, wanting and urgent. Erin tasted of wine and peppermint. Holtz made a low strangled sound in the back of her throat.

_No, this is wrong, this is wrong._

Holtzmann managed to break apart long enough to protest.

“Erin, no. You’re drunk and upset. This isn’t right.”

Erin put her mouth next to Holtz’s ear.

“I see you everyday undressing me with your eyes. Flirting with me. I pretend not to notice sometimes, but I can feel how badly you want this. Don’t lie to me” she rasped.

Holtzmann felt her legs starting to get weak.

“Erin please…”

“I want you to fuck me so bad. But first I’m going to make you scream.”

Erin kissed Holtzmann again, her tongue gaining entrance to her mouth. Holtz gripped her waist tightly in order not to fall down. Erin ran her hands down Holtz’s back and grabbed her ass, pulling her against her body.

_Oh god, I want her. But I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t..._

Erin bit down on Holtzmann’s tongue. She groaned loudly. And she knew she was at the point of no return.

She tugged on Erin’s hair resulting in a throaty laugh from the physicist. Holtzmann felt herself moving backward until her back was flush against one of the walls. Erin shoved one of her knees between Holtzmann’s legs, who was unable to stop herself from thrusting up against it.

Erin began placing open mouthed kisses on Holtzmann’s neck as she spoke.

“Tell me how bad you want this Holtz. Tell me how bad you want me.”

“Erin, fuck!” Holtzmann whined loudly as Erin pinched one of her nipples through her shirt.

Erin placed her forehead against Holtzmann’s and looked at her sharply.

“Tell me Holtzmann.”

“Oh god. I need you so bad Erin. I’ve wanted you for so long it hurts.”

Erin captured the engineer’s lips with her own, humming as she did so. One of her hands snaked down Holtzmann’s stomach and deftly undid her belt buckle and unbuttoned her pants. She pushed Holtzmann’s panties to the side and plunged two fingers inside of her.

“Ah, shit. Erinnnnn. Oh Jesus.” Holtzmann groaned against Erin’s lips. She began rocking her hips in time to her thrusts. She knew she wasn’t going to last long.

“You’re so wet for me Holtzy. Do you like me fucking you?” Erin added another finger inside her.

Holtzmann made a high pitched squealing sound. “Fuckfuckfuck, oh god. Don’t stop, don’t stop…”

“Are you going to come for me Holtz?” Erin flicked her thumb against her clit.

The back of Holtzmann’s head hit the wall so hard she knew she’d have a bruise there in the morning.

“Erin, Erin, Erin…” Holtz babbled incoherently as she felt her orgasm hit her like a train. She came hard, and would have slid down the wall had Erin not been gripping the back of her neck with her other hand.

Through half closed eyes, she watched as Erin slowly took her fingers out of her and deposited them in her mouth. Erin sucked on them slowly.

 _Fuck_.

“Upstairs. Bed. Now.”

Holtzmann half stumbled as Erin pulled her hand and led her up the stairs.

\--

The sunlight streaming through the windows roused Holtzmann from the deep sleep she had fallen into after a long night. She made a satisfied grunt and flipped over to reach out and find that the space next to her was cold and empty. She opened one eye to see that Erin was nowhere to be found.

_Maybe she’s showering? Already gone downstairs?_

Holtzmann closed her eyes and remembered the frantic throwing and ripping off (Holtz’s shirt now had to be mended) of each other’s clothes when herself and Erin had made it up to the makeshift bedroom in a side office Holtz had set up for nights when she decided to sleep over. She had pushed Erin back onto the queen mattress she had placed on the floor and slowly kissed down her body, the volume of Erin’s moans increasing the farther down she got.

She had been told on countless occasions of her talent with her tongue, and within several minutes she had Erin quivering and screaming her name. Erin came so hard that Holtz felt as if her brain was going to leak out her ears from how tightly Erin’s thighs had gripped her head.

Holtz had popped her head up when Erin’s grip had loosened to make a lascivious comment, when Erin suddenly pulled her up and flipped her over. Erin’s sweaty body was pressed on top of hers, and when she began stroking Holtz between her legs, she realized how getting Erin off had made her horny again.

Holtzmann moaned continuously as Erin’s fingers were close to driving her over the edge once more, barely aware that Erin had begun grinding her center against her leg. It didn’t take long until both women were screaming each other’s name, coming within moments of one another.

_That was definitely some top five sex last night. Probably top two._

Holtzmann sat up and noted that it was already after 8 o’clock. She could hear voices downstairs, and assumed Erin was chatting with at least one of her co-workers. She threw a t-shirt over herself and headed across the hall for a shower.

\--

Holtzmann ambled quickly down the stairs, freshly showered. She had thrown on her best pair of overalls (no rips!) over a t-shirt with kittens on it.

“Slept over again Holtzy?”

Holtzmann grinned shyly as she approached the coffee maker. Patty and Abby had already made a pot, and were sitting at their respective desks.

“Well you know, I had some things to take care of.” _Especially a particularly hot physicist._

“I don’t know why you even rent an apartment sometimes,” Patty shook her head as she took another sip of her coffee.

“I need some place to store my Hot Wheels collection.” Holtzmann gulpped down a mouthful of coffee. “Hey, where’s Erin at?”

“She’s not in yet. She texted me a little while ago to say she was running late. Something about a delay on the subway.” Abby continued to type away on her laptop, not looking up.

_She left in the middle of the night and went home?_

Holtzmann now vaguely remembered Erin getting up at some point in the early morning, but figured she had just gone to the bathroom.

_Come to think of it, I don’t remember her coming back to bed…_

Holtzmann got a sick feeling in her stomach.

“Um, well thanks for the coffee. I’ve got stuff to finish upstairs.”

The engineer turned around and briskly walked up the stairs, but not before Patty caught her eye briefly.

_Don’t come up here Patty. I don’t feel like talking to anyone._

\--

Holtzmann attempted to work in her lab, but every time she tried to focus she could see Erin’s naked body. Every time she licked her lips she swore she could taste her.

She closed her eyes in an attempt to calm her mind, but it only made her want to throw something across the room.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump. She yelped.

“Holtz, it’s just me!”

She turned to see Erin standing next to her, dressed impeccably in one of her tweed skirt-suit combos.

“Oh hey Erin.” Holtzmann had no idea how red her face was, but judging by how warm she felt, she was sure it was close to the fire-engine stage.

“I just wanted to come up here and thank you for last night. It was nice.” Erin’s smile was easy, her voice neutral as if she was just chatting about the weather.

“Um, you’re welcome?” Holtz furrowed her brow.

“Anyway, I’ve got some stuff to take care of downstairs. Talk to you later?”

“Uh, sure. I’ll be here.” Holtzmann was sure her voice was two octaves higher than normal.

Erin squeezed her shoulder. “Later Holtz!”

Holtzmann waited until she heard Erin descend the staircase before she put her head in her hands.

_She only sees me as a lay. A fuck buddy._

Holtzmann took the stairs two at a time up to the roof. She quietly closed the door at the top of the staircase behind her

She screamed until her voice started to crack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankfully my other little side-project will help me take the edge off of this a bit. Because it's all downhill from here. Woof.
> 
> I've never written anything this unhappy before, so comments/suggestions are most welcome.
> 
> Send all hate mail and fluffy puppy gifs to geekmisconduct on tumblr.


	2. you're the truth that hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, this is getting hard to write.
> 
> I didn't change any of the warnings on this fic, but please know there are elements of this chapter that could possibly be construed as abusive and/or dub-con. I didn't really intend it to come off that way, but I don't want anyone to be surprised by it.
> 
> I'm going to have to write a million fluffy stories after this is all said and done because, oh boy.

_Snip and strip. Snip and strip._

It was a habit of Holtzmann’s that whenever she felt extreme anxiety, she would find a task that she could do repeatedly to help her get control over her mind. Which was why there was a growing pile of small pieces of stripped wires on the table in front of her.

_Snip and strip._

“Holtzy?”

Holtzmann glanced up to see Patty standing on the other side of her lab table. She looked concerned.

“Whassup?”

“You’ve been hiding up here all day with not a single sound of one of those poofs you create. You didn’t even come down for lunch, and don’t give me that bullshit that those Pringles are a healthy, balanced meal. Something’s up with you. Tell Patty what’s wrong Holtz.”

Holtzmann put her wire-stripping tool down on the table.

“Patty, I - “ _ok, deep breath Holtzmann._ “Erin and I kinda slept together last night.”

“Well, shit.” Patty smiled slowly. “That’s good right? Way to go!”

Holtz frowned. “More like way to no.”

She stared blankly ahead. The anxiety was coming back with a vengeance. She closed her eyes and rubbed one of her ears.

“Holtz?” Patty came around the table to put her hand on her shoulder. “What happened?”

The words came out in a rush.

“Apparently her date didn’t go well. She came back here afterward after she’d had a few. She said she needed to get laid and basically knew I’d be willing. I didn’t want to but…”

“Hang on, she didn’t force herself on you did she?”

Holtzmann shook her head. “No, it wasn’t like that. After the initial shock that she...wanted me I was a very willing participant. But I knew we shouldn’t have. And the worst thing is…”

She swallowed audibly.

“She just wanted to fuck. But - this meant a whole lot more to me than it did to her.”

Holtz’s chin quivered. _Keep it together dammit…_

“Bring it in, baby. Come here.” Patty held her arms out. Holtzmann leaned forward to let Patty envelop her in a hug. Holtz couldn’t help the tears that started rolling down her cheeks.

“What am I going to do Patty?”

Patty rested her chin on the top of Holtzmann’s head.

“Well, you could tell her how you feel. I mean, maybe she feels the same way and just doesn’t know how to communicate it to you.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I think she kinda made it obvious today this was a one time thing,” the engineer sniffled.

“All right, well if this was just a roll in the hay, then I guess you could just let it go. Pretend that it never happened. But you know that’s not healthy Holtzy.”

Holtzmann pulled out of Patty’s embrace and wiped the wetness from her cheeks.

“When am I ever healthy?” she smiled weakly. “Maybe this wouldn’t be so difficult if it wasn’t some of the most mind-blowing sex I’ve ever had in my life.”

“Ok, TMI. I don’t want visions of what nasty things you two did in this building. Please say you didn’t do it on this table.” Patty slowly backed up from it.

“No, no table sex,” Holtzmann snorted.

“Look, you’re both adults. I know the two of you can work this out between one another. And no matter what happens, just remember - we’re your family.”

Holtz blew Patty a kiss. “Thanks, Patty.”

“Anytime crazy lady,” she ruffled Holtzmann’s hair, making it look more wild than before.

_I hope she’s right. Don’t screw this up Holtzmann. Don’t do it._

\--

Holtzmann tangled one of her hands in Erin’s auburn hair, threw her head back against the couch and moaned. Loudly.

_This is a terrible routine that needs to stop. But not now. Oh god, not now._

Currently Holtz was sitting on the lab couch, pants off, with Erin’s head between her legs. Erin’s tongue had already made her come once already, but as she was finding out, the physicist was relentless when it came to sex and wouldn’t be satisfied until she was shouting four-letter words at the top of her lungs again. Erin positioned two fingers at Holtz’s entrance and waited until their eyes met. The look in her eyes was so intense, Holtzmann was shocked it didn’t melt the paint on the wall behind them. She proceeded to plunge her fingers inside of her, all while continuing her ministrations with her tongue.

“Jesus, Erinnnnnn.” Holtzmann pulled harder on Erin’s hair, her other hand gripping the couch so hard her knuckles turned white.

Holtzmann had steeled herself mentally that they would just have that one night together. That things would continue between them as before, except she would know what Erin felt like underneath her, how she tasted, how she moaned when she neared the edge. And she resigned herself to be miserable, not having the guts to tell her that she wished what had happened between them actually meant something more than a much needed release.

But several days after that night, Erin had shot her a smouldering look from across the lab when Abby announced she was heading home, the last person besides the two of them that was remaining in the firehouse. And before she could have a coherent thought, the two of them were back on the mattress in Holtz’s makeshift bedroom, hands down each other’s pants, moaning frenziedly against the other’s lips.

And so it went - Erin would find an excuse to be the last one at the firehouse with Holtz at the end of the day, and the two of them would spend the next several hours in various places throughout the building having intense, fulfilling sex. It almost seemed to be an unspoken contest between the two of them over who could find the most outrageous place to fuck, and who would make the other come first.

In the last couple of weeks, the arrangement between the two of them had escalated. It began one day when Erin grabbed Holtz’s hand when she was headed to the bathroom post-bust to shower after once again being slimed. It culminated with Holtz on her knees in the bathtub, Erin biting down on her hand to prevent the noises that threatened to spill out of her mouth as Holtzmann fucked her with her tongue. It had gotten to the point where Erin unexpectedly showed up at Holtzmann’s apartment last Sunday afternoon, and the two of them had started tearing one another’s clothes off before Erin had even closed the front door all the way.

And throughout all of this, after the two of them were completely spent, Erin would take a few moments to compose herself before finding her clothes, which often were in various places. She would leave Holtz with a smile, occasionally a “thank you,” and a couple of times, a kiss on the cheek. And Holtzmann would stare into space, wishing she would stay with her for once so she could wake up with Erin wrapped around her body. She would fall into a disjointed sleep, often times after crying so hard the sobs would wrack her body so forcefully it hurt.

Presently, Holtzmann was close to losing her mind. Erin curled her fingers inside of her, and she arched her back off the couch.

“Fuck, I’m there Erin, don’t stop, dontstopdontstop”

Holtz shuddered violently as she came again. If she didn’t know any better, she would’ve sworn she could feel Erin grin against her as her cunt spasmed around her fingers.

As her heartbeat began slowly coming down, Holtzmann stared blankly at the ceiling.

_She’s going to kill me. Which may be preferable so I don’t have to deal with what this is doing to me inside…_

Without warning, Erin roughly grabbed Holtz’s t-shirt, and pushed her back on the couch. Erin straddled her hips and grabbed Holtzmann’s hand, thrusting it under her skirt. As was normal lately, Erin wasn’t wearing any underwear.

“Fuck me hard Holtz. Make me scream.”

Holtzmann noted that Erin was soaking wet as she plunged three fingers into her. The resulting whine made Holtz feel lightheaded again.

_She’s so beautiful when I’m inside of her. I can’t get enough…_

Erin began thrusting down on Holtzmann’s hand, the volume of her grunts and moans increasing. Holtz added a fourth finger and flicked Erin’s clit with her thumb.

Erin buckled and leaned forward.

“Oh goddddddd,” Erin screamed and bit down on Holtzmann’s exposed shoulder, drawing blood. Holtz could feel Erin’s legs shake as her orgasm hit, lasting almost a minute.

Holtzmann felt Erin’s rapid breaths against her neck as she came down, collapsing all her weight on top of her body. Holtz slowly withdrew her fingers from inside of her, resulting in a quiet, strangled moan. She rested the palm of her hand on Erin’s back, relishing the feel of the physicist’s body pressed against hers.

Erin pulled her sweaty face back to look at her. They stared at one another for a brief moment.

_Tell me this means something to you. Tell me I’m more to you than whatever the hell it is we’re doing._

“That was great Holtz. Jesus, you’re so good to me.”

Erin untangled herself from the engineer, pulled her skirt down and stood.

“I’ve got to take a quick shower before Patty, Abby and Kevin get back. I’ll leave the water on when I’m done if you’re interested.”

Holtzmann attempted to sound casual.

“That’d be great Erin. Thanks.”

Erin’s eyes slowly trailed down Holtzmann’s body, still splayed on her back on the couch, naked from the waist down. She smirked before she turned to walk away.

When Holtzmann heard the bathroom door close, she brought her hands to her face.

_I’m not going to cry. I’m going to hold it together._

She didn’t.

\--

Holtzmann was focused, knowing the ghost she had been tracking had gone *somewhere* behind the staircase in front in her. If she could just catch it unaware, she’d be able to trap it quite easily, finishing the job and...

She felt a hand grab her ass. She yelped, breaking her concentration.

“You like that huh?” Erin rasped into her ear from behind.

Holtz turned and looked at her incredulously.

“What the fuck are you doing? We are _working!_ ” Holtz said angrily under her breath. Abby and Patty were just around the corner, and Holtzmann did not need the two of them to see them carrying on in the middle of a bust. They had barely been able to control themselves at any point when they were near one another lately, and it was stressing Holtzmann out to the point of exhaustion.

“Get over yourself Jillian.” Erin said her first name with such venom it made Holtzmann’s eyes water. “You know you’d let me take you right here if I wanted to. But you’re right, we are working. But you’re going to pay for this later.”

Erin bumped into Holtz’s shoulder as she ran by her, practically causing her to fall to the floor.

“Abby! Patty! I’ve got it cornered!” Erin shouted as she turned her proton gun on.

Holtzmann was rooted to the spot as the two other women ran by her to assist Erin in capturing the Class Three they had been called on to take care of. As she heard the sounds of the ghost being contained, her goggles began to fog up. Her eyes were blurry as the tears started to pool at the bottom edge of the yellow-tinted eyewear.

“Holtzy?”

Holtzmann sniffed and turned to see Patty looking at her, a worried expression on her face.

“Oh sorry, Patty. That ghost spooked me a bit when it flew back here. I’ll get the Ecto-1 ready to go.”

Holtzmann didn’t miss the hard look Patty gave Erin as she headed for the exit.

 _This is a goddamn mess_.

\--

The following morning Holtzmann rooted through the basket of clean laundry she had stashed in her firehouse bedroom.

_Oh good, there it is._

She pulled the light green dress shirt over her head and buttoned it. She left the top two buttons undone, enabling her to pop the collar up to conceal the purple bruises that were starting to form at the place where her shoulders met her neck.

Holtz touched one of the bruises lightly and closed her eyes, remembering Erin squeezing her there firmly while uttering the filthiest things into her ear last night. She hated herself for moaning and coming hard shortly thereafter.

In the haze of her orgasm, she heard Erin’s voice harshly mutter into her ear.

“Don’t make me punish you like this again Holtz. You hear me?”

Holtzmann’s hands shook as she grabbed her glasses off the floor where they had been flung hours earlier.

_I hear you Erin. And I’m doing a much better job punishing myself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so mean to Holtzy. Argggggh.
> 
> Thank god for the silly collaborative smut I'm also writing because this is difficult.
> 
> Go ahead, send me hate mail. And middle-finger emojis on tumblr (@geekmisconduct)


	3. you're the memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh.
> 
> This is getting really hard to write, and I'm honestly wondering if I should even finish this damn thing. But I know if I don't finish, it'll drive me nuts. 
> 
> This isn't pretty. I'm sorry.

Holtz closed her eyes in a half-hearted attempt to get a little sleep. She had flopped on her back on the lab couch after the rest of the team announced they were going out for lunch. Holtzmann had begged off, bullshitting that if she left the lab now, there could possibly be a “larger than normal poof.” She didn’t miss the concerned look Patty had given her before she left, nor the way Erin raised an eyebrow, which made Holtzmann’s knees feel like rubber much to her chagrin.

She didn’t know how long she had laid there, her brain flooded mostly with images of herself and Erin’s depraved activities as of late. Of how Erin basically had her hook, line and sinker to do anything she wanted, sexual or not. And the realization of how absolutely miserable she was.

_ I am losing my mind. I can’t go on like this. I feel like I’m dead inside. _

“Holtzmann.”

The engineer jumped when she heard Patty’s voice. She was standing over her with a worried expression.

“Jesus, Patty. Are you trying to give me a heart attack? You guys ate lunch quick.” Holtz swung her legs over the side of the couch and pulled herself up into a sitting position.

“I turned around and came back. Told ‘em I’d forgotten I had to make an important phone call on my lunch hour.” She sat down next to Holtzmann and put her hand on her shoulder.

Holtzmann furrowed her brow. “Why?”

“Holtzy,” Patty sighed. “You’ve been looking terrible lately. Bags under your eyes. You’re jumpy and nervous. And you look like you’re about three seconds from bursting into tears every time you see Erin. What’s going on? Did she do something to you?”

The engineer swallowed and looked at her feet. “She did something to me all right. But the problem is, I keep letting her do it. And I don’t know how to stop it.” Holtzmann could feel her throat tightening. “I’m not sure I want it to stop,” she almost whispered.

“Holtz…”

The tears that Holtzmann had been holding back seemingly forever spilled on her cheeks, and when they did, the floodgates opened.

“Baby, come here.” 

Patty held her arms out and Holtzmann nearly collapsed into them, sobbing so hard her entire body shook. She felt Patty rubbing her back as everything she had bottled inside came spilling out into the open. When Holtz had cried herself out to the point she was hiccuping, she pulled back from Patty’s embrace, her eyes so red and puffy she could barely see.

“Shit Patty, I got your boobs all wet.”

Patty looked down at her shirt, nearly soaked through with Holtzmann’s tears. She shrugged.

“Eh, not the first time that’s happened.” She looked up to see Holtz’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. “Not like that you perv!” She play-slapped the engineer on the arm, coaxing a weak smile from her.

Holtzmann rubbed her face and let out a loud, shaky breath. 

“I really don’t know what to do at this point. When we’re having sex I think I trick my brain into thinking it means something. But afterward, Erin acts as if we just solved an equation or something together. Like it was some everyday task that has to be accomplished to her satisfaction. And she turns around and walks away and I feel like absolute garbage.”

Patty’s voice was hard. “No one should make you feel like that Holtzy. No one. I don’t give a shit if she’s our friend and co-worker. She has no right to make you feel that way. I’m close to giving her a piece of my mind right now. And when Patty does that, it ain’t gonna be pretty.”

Holtzmann was alarmed. “No Patty, don’t do that. It’s ok. I’ll - I’ll take care of this.” 

Patty grasped Holtz’s hand. “Baby, you got two choices at this point. Either tell her how you feel about her, or you have to walk away from this. It’s destroying you. And honestly, it’s beginning to destroy all of us.”

A look of terror flashed across Holtzmann’s face. “What do you mean?”

Patty sighed. “The tension between you two - we’ve all noticed it. I’m not sure Abby knows exactly what’s going on, but she knows something’s up. Even Kev mentioned that you guys were acting weird. And honestly - seeing Erin smirk every time you basically follow her around like a little lost puppy makes me want to punch her in the face.”

Holtz buried her face into her hands. 

“Jesus…”

“Holtzy please. I need you to be strong. I need you to take care of this. For everyone. But mostly for yourself. Seeing you like this is killing me baby.”

Holtzmann lifted her head up and stared straight ahead.

“Ok Patty. I’ll end this. Once and for all.”

_ I just hope it doesn’t end me along with it. _

\--

It took a couple of hours, but Holtzmann finally got up the courage to approach Erin.

_ Here goes nothing… _

“Hey Erin.” The physicist looked up from the book she was reading at her desk. “You got a minute? I need to talk to you about something upstairs.”

Erin smiled out of the side of her mouth. “Sure Holtz. Let’s go.”

As they made their way up the stairs, Holtzmann caught Patty’s eye for a brief moment. She shook her head in the affirmative and gave Holtz an encouraging grin.

With each step up the stairs, Holtzmann rehearsed in her brain what she was going to say.

_ Look Erin. It’s been fun but I need you to know something. What we have here means a lot to me. A lot more than it probably means to you. And if you don’t feel the same way it’s ok - I’m a big girl and can get over it. But I just wanted you to know that I care so much about you and… _

Holtz felt Erin’s hand on her shoulder as they reached the top of the stairs. The engineer turned and gave Erin a smile and grabbed her hand.

“Let’s go to the bedroom so we can have some privacy.”

Erin nodded and let herself be led into the small room by Holtz.

Holtzmann let Erin enter the room ahead of her and closed the door. She turned.

“Erin, I -”

Her voice was silenced by Erin’s mouth as she pushed Holtzmann’s back roughly against the door. She began pushing the straps of her overalls off of her shoulders.

“Erin no, I need to…” Holtz managed to squeak out in-between the physicist’s rough, open-mouthed kisses.

“Shut the hell up Holtzy. I need your mouth on me. Now.”

Erin grabbed one of Holtz’s hands and jammed it down her pants. She was sopping wet.

“Shit Erin. But I need to - “

“Shut. Up”

With that Erin forcefully grabbed Holtzmann’s waist and spun her around so fell face first on the mattress. Erin landed on top of her and bit her earlobe.

“Oh god,” Holtzmann moaned. She couldn’t help herself.

_ Just once more. I’ll tell her when we’re done. _

\--

It never seemed to end. For whatever reason the sex was more frenzied, the orgasms more intense. It was almost as if they both knew what was about to happen.

Holtzmann had lost count how many times she had come already, but Erin was doing her damndest to make it happen again. She was thrusting three fingers inside of her while laying on top of her, Erin’s face inches from her own, her breath hot on her face.

“I can make you come whenever I want Holtzmann. And I want to see it again. Now.”

Erin added another finger and Holtz screamed.

“FUCK. Oh god, Jesussssss.” 

The orgasm hit Holtzmann so hard tears streamed from her eyes. Her head was buzzing, but she saw Erin’s face hovering above her, a slow smile spreading across her face. As Erin’s thrusts slowed, Holtzmann couldn’t stop the whisper that escaped her lips.

_ I love you. _

The look in Erin’s eyes made Holtz’s blood run cold.

Erin rolled off the engineer quickly and began to gather her clothes that were strewn across the room.

“God fucking damn it Holtzmann.”

Holtz groggily propped herself up by her elbows. She was still foggy, but silently watched for a moment as Erin angrily began dressing.

“Hey! What the hell are you doing?”

Erin turned to Holtzmann after she pulled a sweater over her head. The heat in Erin’s eyes made her recoil.

“I thought you were an adult Holtzmann. I thought you were smarter than this. What the hell is wrong with you?”

Erin stood up and zipped up her pants and stomped towards the door. She turned back before opening it.   


“Why’d you fuck this up Holtz?”

With that Erin opened the door and slammed it behind her.

Holtzmann laid on the bed for a moment and blinked uncomprehendingly.

_ Why did *I* fuck this up? _

Holtzmann popped up and grabbed a t-shirt and a pair of boxers off the floor and hurriedly put them on. She practically ran out the door.

_ What the hell is wrong with *me*? _

Holtz rapidly headed for the stairs. She saw Erin gathering her things in an attempt to leave while Patty and Abby sat at their desks, confusedly watching her.

“HEY! ERIN!” Holtz shouted at the top of the stairs before she started running down them. 

Erin spun around, her eyes flashing with anger.

“What the hell is your problem?” 

Holtzmann walked up to the physicist at a near run and stopped a few feet from her. Holtz was breathing heavily, both from running down the stairs and the adrenaline that was coursing through her veins.

“What is my problem Erin? Where do I even start?”

Erin dropped her bag on the floor and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“You really want to do this Holtzmann? Really?”

“You knew I had feelings for you even before you came in here that night and seduced me. And you took advantage of it. You’ve been using me as your fuck toy for weeks and never even cared about what this was doing to me!” Holtzmann was yelling now, her voice shaky. Tears were pooling at the corners of her eyes.

Erin snorted. 

“Did you think us sneaking around to fuck was the beginning of some sort of relationship? You knew this was only about sex. For someone was brilliant as you Holtz, how are you so stupid?”

“Uh, girls…” Abby stammered. The other two Ghostbusters were frozen at their desks, watching the carnage unfold in front of them.

“I may be stupid but at least I’m not a cold hearted bitch.”

“Ooooh, snap!” Patty exclaimed under her breath.

Erin leaned forward, her face inches from the engineer’s. Her voice was low with a vicious edge.

“And you wonder why people leave you behind Holtzmann. You have the emotional capacity of a 12-year old.”

“Oh hell no,” Patty whispered. Holtz glanced over and saw her gripping the edge of her desk, looking like she was itching to get involved.

Holtzmann was shaking now, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“FUCK. YOU,” she shouted. The engineer spun on her heel and bolted up the stairs.

_ Just run. Run until you can’t feel anything. Run. _

She heard Patty yelling her name through the haze in her brain.

Holtz grabbed a lead pipe on her way up to the roof. After she slammed the metal door behind her she beat it with the pipe until it could barely shut. Her fingers bled.

_ It’s over. Everything is over.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise to write the fluffiest fluff when this is done.
> 
> (thank god for the collaborative smut I'm writing right now or I'd probably have lost my mind).
> 
> Feel free to cuss me out on Tumblr - @geekmisconduct


	4. you're the drug that works

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank god for Patty in this story. It's really the only thing holding me together right now.
> 
> If you're still reading this, thanks. It's been a tough one to read. It's been a tough one to write, trust me.

Holtzmann stared blankly at the ceiling in her apartment - how the light danced across it as it peeked through the blinds in the living room. The varied textures of the plaster that covered it. The spider webs in the corners, born from months of barely being home and general malaise.

_ One of these days I’ll get up and move. But not now. Maybe not ever. _

Holtz was laying on the floor, surrounded by empty Pringles cans and several spent bottles of hard liquor, still wearing the same t-shirt and boxer shorts she threw on in the firehouse three days prior. After nearly destroying the door that led up to the roof, she had bolted, despite the best efforts of Patty to get her to stay and talk. She recalled how her friend’s face had nearly crumbled when she told her she needed to be alone and didn’t want to talk to her.

_ I shouldn’t have been such a shitheel toward her. She certainly doesn’t deserve it. _

Holtzmann sighed and turned on her side. She began to trace the patterns of the worn carpet she laid on, her hands shaking slightly due to lack of sleep and the amount of alcohol she had consumed in the last 72 hours.

_ How long has it been since I got up? 12 hours? 24 hours? Does it matter? _

She glanced at her phone laying near her head - its battery had died several hours ago. Patty had been texting her fairly regularly, checking in on her, asking if she needed anything. Even Abby had texted her, telling her she could take all the time she needed before she came back to work.

She had not heard anything from Erin.

She was not surprised.

Holtzmann was startled by a loud pounding on her door.

“Holtzmann? Are you in there? It’s Patty.”

Holtz laid motionless, debating whether she should get up and answer the door or ignore it and wallow in her self-pity for several more hours.

“Jillian Holtzmann if you don’t open this door I will break it down! Don’t test me. I will do it.”

Holtzmann grunted as she managed to pick herself up off the floor. She staggered, feeling lightheaded as she pulled the door open. Patty gasped at the sight of her.

“Holy shit Holtzy. Not to be a bitch, but you look terrible.”

Holtz ran her fingers through her hair, partially undone and totally unkempt.

“Well I feel like shit Patty. Thanks for asking.” She hung her head down.

“Can I come in Holtz? Please?”

“Sure. I should warn you, housekeeping hasn’t stopped by in awhile.”

Patty shut the door behind her as she walked in and wrinkled her nose.

“Holy Moses Holtzmann, it smells like death in here. Lemme open up a window.”

Patty threw open one of the windows in the living room while Holtzmann sat down on her worn living room couch. She stared blindly ahead, her elbows resting on her knees. Patty stood over her, hands on her hips.

“Holtzmann, when was the last time you ate? And Pringles and whatever else this shit is on the floor doesn’t count.”

Holtz squinted. “Um, Monday maybe?”

“Holtzy! It’s Thursday!”

“Is it? Hmm. Whatever.”

“Don’t you whatever me. Now you’re going to get your skinny ass in the shower while I cook you up something to eat. You look and smell terrible. Sorry. Just saying.”

Holtzmann groaned and leaned her head back against the couch.

“I will throw your naked behind in the shower, don’t test me!”

Patty walked over to the refrigerator in Holtzmann’s small kitchen and gasped upon opening it.

“Holtz, there’s no food in here!”

The engineer stood up and started to pad toward the bathroom.

“Oh yeah. Sorry?”

“For god’s sakes. Look, you shower, I’ll go get you some food.”

_ I really don’t deserve this friendship. _

“Hey Patty?”

Holtzmann tried to hold the tears back as her friend paused before opening the door to exit.

“Yeah baby?”

“Thank you.”

\--

Holtzmann put the empty bowl down on the small, cluttered coffee table with a clatter. After a quick trip to the supermarket, Patty had made a pot of mac & cheese while Holtz had showered. She watched her like a hawk as she devoured two bowls of it and insisted the engineer drink several glasses of water.

“I think I’m going to go into a food coma now. See ya later Pattycakes.” Holtzmann started to slide slowly down the couch.

“Nuh-uh. Before you shuffle off to Buffalo, we need to have a serious discussion. Sit your ass up.”

“Patty, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even want to think about it. It makes me feel like…”

“Feel like what Holtzy?” Patty laid her hand comfortingly on her shoulder. 

“I dunno,” Holtzmann sniffled. “Like laying in a dark room forever? Or something.” Holtz looked up at Patty as the tears started to fall. 

“I’m broken Patty. And I don’t know if I can ever be fixed.”

“Come here,” Patty pulled the engineer into a hug.

As she rocked her back and forth, Patty rested her head on top of Holtzmann’s and spoke.

“You are not broken Holtzy. You are a charming, brilliant woman I’m honored to call my friend. I know this hurts baby. But you’ll heal. It’ll take some time, but you’ll heal. And in the meantime, you’ll make those crazy inventions of yours and we’ll keep saving the universe, ok?”

Holtz pulled back and shook her head vehemently.

“No Patty. I don’t ever want to see Erin Gilbert again. Ever. If she stays with the Ghostbusters, I go.”

“Holtzmann…”

“Do you want to work with her after what she did to me? After all those awful things she said? In front of everyone?” Holtz’s voice got louder and more high-pitched.

Patty sighed. “She stopped in for a bit yesterday and I’ll be honest, it took all my strength not to slap her across the face. But we’ll all get through this. You’ll see.”

Holtzmann looked down at her feet. Her voice was small.

“I don’t think I can Patty.”

Patty grasped one of Holtzmann’s hands. “I’m not going to try to guilt ya into anything. But the Ghostbusters are the best thing to ever happen to me. To all of us. I don’t want it to end over this. But ultimately, you need to do what’s best for you Holtzy. And if it means walking away, then I support you. One-hundred percent. But please, take a little time to think about this. Ok?”

“I’ll think about it Patty. I promise.”

“Thank you baby. Now get your butt into bed and sleep. You look like you need it. And I’ll text you in the morning, ok?”

“OK.” Holtzmann swallowed hard. “I really don’t know what I would do without you Patty.”

The two women hugged on the couch for a long time.

\---

Holtzmann opened one eye to look at the digital clock that sat on the floor near her bed.

1:03 AM.

She sighed and flipped over. Sleep was proving to be difficult. But instead of the words that Erin had spouted at her running through her head, it was Patty’s words from several hours ago that rang in her ears.

_ You need to do what’s best for you Holtzy. _

She closed her eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from falling. It wasn’t successful.

_ I know I said I’d give myself some time to think about it. But I know what I have to do. It’s gonna hurt like hell, but it’s the only way I can move on. The only way I can survive. _

Holtz sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. After rubbing her face she grabbed her cell phone.

_ I’m calling in a favor. I know they’ll be up to help me.  _

\---

Erin walked into the firehouse at 9AM. It was later than her normal routine, but things had been anything but normal lately.

She stopped dead at the sight of Abby and Patty. Abby was sitting at her desk, dabbing at her eyes with a balled up tissue. Patty had her arm around her, looking morose. 

“What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“You need to go upstairs Erin.” Patty voice was hard, but it wavered slightly.

Erin looked up the staircase. “Why, what’s up there that you can’t tell me -”

“Go upstairs Erin Gilbert!” Patty was now yelling, and the anger that flashed in her eyes scared Erin half to death.

“Ok ok, I’m going!”

Erin glanced back once as she made her way up the stairs. It looked as if Abby had starting crying again. Patty was still looking at her, her mouth in a tight, straight line.

She stopped and gasped when she reached the top of the stairs.

The lab was completely empty with the exception of the furniture. All of Holtz’s belongings, all of her inventions. They were all gone.

“Well, hello Erin.”

The physicist spun around to see Holtzmann coming out of her now former bedroom, a stuffed duffel bag hung over her shoulder.

“Holtzmann - what is all of this?”

“Oh this? These are the consequences of fucking me over. Literally and figuratively. I had some friends help me pack up my things this morning. The Ghostbusters are now a trio. I think it’s best if I move on, don’t you?”

Erin’s mouth hung open.

“Holtz, think about this for a moment. Don’t throw everything away over…” Erin couldn’t finish the sentence. She swallowed audibly.

“You lost the right to tell me what to do when you insulted me in front of my friends. And basically treating me like a piece of human garbage.” 

Holtz briskly walked by the physicist and headed toward the stairs.

“Holtzmann. I’m - I’m sorry.”

Stopping at the foot of the stairs, Holtz turned to look back at Erin, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

“Goodbye, Dr. Erin Gilbert.”

She bounded down the stairs, and pointed at Patty.

“Patty, I’ll text you later. Abby, I love you, we’ll keep in touch.”

When the door shut behind her, Abby put her head on her desk and started sobbing. Patty stared straight ahead, unblinking.

Erin slowly walked down the stairs, dazed. She stopped near Patty and Abby, almost unable to speak.

“I - I can’t”

She grabbed her bag off the desk and ran out the door.

Patty snatched a book off her desk and threw it across the room.

“FUCK!”

\---

“So this is how it ends, eh? All because of sex. See, this is why I don’t have any.”

Abby was sprawled out on the couch in the firehouse’s waiting area, cradling a near empty bottle of tequila. Patty sat in a nearby office chair, nursing a bottle of beer, one of many she’d had since around 3pm.

After both Holtzmann and Erin had quit (the physicist had confirmed as much in a text to Abby, causing her to spit out so many swear words it made Patty blush), the two remaining Ghostbusters closed up shop, possibly for the last time. They had to tell poor Kevin when he had arrived (late, as per standards) that he wouldn’t be needed today. Or maybe ever. 

They had been sitting there on the main floor for hours. Alternating between moments of anger and despair. Reminiscing about the good times they’d had over the last year. 

They were mourning.

“This is all Erin’s fault. Why couldn’t she have kept her pants zipped? If she were here I think I would smack her so hard I’d knock her teeth right out of her goddamned mouth.”

“Abby. Stop. This isn’t all Erin’s fault. It’s everyone’s” 

Abby propped her head up.

“What are you talking about Patty?”

Patty took a swig of her beer and shook her head.

“Is this mostly Erin’s fault? Undoubtedly. She took advantage of Holtzy and didn’t care. She had to know no good was going to come out of what she was doing.”

“Damn straight,” Abby shouted, followed by a loud burp.

“Excuse you.”

“Ugh, that tasted like bad tacos. Anyway, continue.”

“As much as I love Holtzy, she holds some blame too. She suspected that Erin was using her, but let it continue until it was too late to salvage their friendship. I tried to get her to talk to Erin about it, but I don’t know if she was too scared or in denial. I think it was a bit of both.”

“Poor, poor Holtzy.”

“And we hold some blame too -”

“Come on Patty. How is this my fault?” Abby interrupted.

“Look,” Patty put her empty bottle down on the floor amongst several others. “We both knew something was wrong. That whatever was going down between the two of them was affecting how they worked together. Hell, it affected how we all worked together. But we stood there and watched. Like it was a bad car crash or some shit.”

The two women were silent for several minutes.

“This really sucks Patty.”

“I know baby. But we still have each other. And hey, maybe we won’t be Ghostbusters anymore, but we can still be a team. The two of us. I think we can find something to work on together.”

Abby slowly sat up. She poured the remainder of the tequila in two shot glasses and handed one to Patty.

“To us.”

“To us!”

Patty coughed after downing hers.

“Yates, what kinda cheap-ass shit tequila is this?”

The two women laughed for the first time in what felt like forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've come so close to setting this whole story on fire and walking away. But I hate not finishing things so here it is. It's not my finest work, that's for sure.
> 
> The next and final chapter will be more upbeat. A bit. Hopefully it'll make everyone feel a bit better anyway.
> 
> You can follow my idiot self @geekmisconduct on tumblr.


	5. it's gonna rain hard soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for taking so long to get this last chapter up. With the terrible week we've had, I wanted to be in a decent headspace to finish this.
> 
> This may not be the ending most of you want, but it's the ending I think the characters deserve. I hope you agree.

Erin stood at the end of the long driveway of the modest brick home, a bottle of wine in her hands. She had not moved in several minutes.

_This was a bad idea. I should’ve just stayed home._

When Abby had invited her to her home in Connecticut for a barbecue celebrating the release of the book she had written with Patty, Erin had hesitated. In the five years since the Ghostbusters’ untimely demise, she’d only met with Abby one-on-one or in small groups. Abby had given Erin the cold shoulder for several months after Erin had run out of the firehouse for the last time. Eventually they had reconnected, Abby saying “I care for you too much for you to be out of my life again.” But deep down Erin knew things would never be the same between them.

And that was totally Erin’s fault.

She knew Abby had never fully forgiven her for what she had done. Because Erin had never forgiven herself.

_I ruined the best thing I ever had. That we all had. And for what?_

Erin had been coaxed back into therapy a year or so after everyone had gone their separate ways. And it had helped. But the full realization of why she did what she did hit her like a freight train more than two years ago.

Herself and Abby had met up for coffee during one of Abby’s trips into NYC for research. She was in the midst of writing her book about the paranormal history of New York with Patty. Erin was close to getting tenure at NYU. They had enjoyed a mostly pleasant time together until Erin asked a question.

“So I’m free Labor Day Weekend. How do you feel about maybe going camping? Hanging out?”

Abby put her coffee cup down and looked slightly uncomfortable.

“I’ll be out of town that weekend.”

“Oh? Where to?”

“Chicago.”

There was an awkward silence.

“Abby,” Erin said pointedly. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“I’m going to Chicago with Patty for a wedding.” Abby took a deep breath.

“Holtzmann’s wedding.”

_Holtzmann._

Erin hadn’t seen the engineer since she left her standing in the lab space years prior. She had Facebook stalked her enough to find out that she had moved to Chicago shortly after quitting the Ghostbusters and she had taken a position at Argonne National Laboratory. Multiple times Erin had started to read the articles Holtz had had published in several prominent academic journals but could never finish them. Her sheer brilliance hurt her too much.

She asked Abby about her occasionally as they still kept in touch. It was usually answered with a “Holtzy is fine. Just fine,” and both women left it alone, the wounds of what had happened too painful to bear.

And now in a small coffee shop in Manhattan, Erin Gilbert finally had the realization that was three years long overdue.

_I love her. I love Holtzmann. And I was too chickenshit to say anything. Too scared to admit I’d fallen in love with a woman. And I set everything on fire and watched it burn._

Abby reached out to grab Erin’s hand.

“Erin? You ok?”

“I’ll be ok. It’s fine.”

She lifted her head up to look at her friend, hoping she didn’t see the tears in her eyes.

“I’m glad she’s happy,” she whispered hoarsely.

_She could’ve been happy with you._

They had parted shortly thereafter, the rest of their time together spent mostly in silence. Abby gave her a hug before they went their separate ways. Erin spoke quietly as the two women separated.

“Tell her - Tell Holtzmann congratulations.”

Abby smiled sadly.

“Tell her I’m sorry.”

“I will Erin. I will.”

The months and years after Erin had realized she might have lost her one chance of true love was nothing but an endless stream of one-night stands and short relationships with both men and women. None of them ever made her as happy as Holtzmann had. None of them were as quirky and as adorable as she was. None of them was even as close to a good a lover as Holtz was.

None of them was Holtzmann.

_If I could do it all again I would’ve told her I loved her too. We could be married now. We’d live in a cute little house like this and…_

“Erin.”

Erin looked up to see Abby standing in her doorway.

“Are you going to stand in my driveway looking like a deer in headlights or come inside and join the party?”

Erin shook her head. “Sorry Abby. I was just thinking for a moment.”

Abby gave her a hug as she entered the house.

“You think too much Gilbert. You always have.”

_I know._

“Here. Wine.” Erin thrusted the bottle at the host.

“Thank. You.” Abby snorted, mimicking her diction.

“Sorry, I’m a little nervous. Some of these people I haven’t seen in awhile and…”

Abby walked into the kitchen and placed the bottle of wine on the counter.

“I understand Erin. On that note I think I should warn you…”

Erin’s stomach sunk.

“Warn me about what?”

Abby bit her lip. “Holtzmann’s here. She flew in with her wife. And their daughter.”

 _Her wife. Their daughter._ Erin felt faint.

“I’m sorry, it was a last minute thing or I would’ve warned you. I’ll totally understand if you want to bail. It’s totally fine and I’ll -”

Erin interrupted. “It’s ok Abby. I - I need to face the music once and for all.”

_I need to see what could’ve been had I not been an asshole._

Abby put her hand on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry I fucked everything up Abby. For everyone,” Erin whispered.

“Come outside when you’re ready.”

Abby patted her shoulder before exiting through the sliding doors that led to the backyard. The voices of the party-goers drifted through the open door.

Erin gripped the edge of the kitchen countertop. She took a deep breath.

_It’s now or never Gilbert._

Erin opened the sliding doors.

\---

Erin was huddled in the corner of Abby’s backyard underneath a large oak tree. She sipped her beer while pretending to listen to one of Abby’s former colleagues drone on about his latest publication. Erin could not have cared less.

Most of the party-goers had almost pointedly avoided Erin. She was pretty sure Abby never told anyone outside her inner circle why the Ghostbusters had disbanded. There had been a press release about how the four women “were pursuing other interests,” but the rumor mill had swirled about what had really caused the team to break up. One popular New York tabloid had splashed a sordid tale on their front page about how “a torrid love affair” between two Ghostbusters had gone “terribly wrong due to betrayal,” leading to the dissolution of the team. Most people dismissed the story on principle, but Erin knew some folks could put two-and-two together and figure out what might had happened. And she was sure said people put the blame right on her doorstep.

Earlier, she had briefly run into Patty when she was getting a beer out of the cooler in the backyard. They had seen each occasionally over the years and had been pleasant enough to one another. But Erin knew that Patty was still extremely close to Holtz, and was pretty damn sure that underneath the idle chatter and staged smiles, she would like nothing better than to drag her ass in front of everyone.

_She should. I almost wish she would._

Erin nodded briefly when the man who had been chatting at her excused himself. She was in the middle of a sip of her beer when she saw her.

_Holtzmann._

Her former colleague ( _friend? lover?_ ) was dressed impeccably in a light green pant and vest combo, a purple paisley tie smartly contrasting against the light yellow button down underneath. Her familiar yellow tinted glasses were nestled in her blonde curls piled on the top of her hair.

_She looks...good._

Erin’s brief ogling stopped abruptly when a tall redhead slid next to Holtz and gave her a kiss on the cheek. A toddler followed closely behind the woman and Holtzmann beamed upon seeing her. She couldn’t hear what she said, only that Holtz picked her up and held her above her head, the small girl giggling as she did so. Holtzmann kissed the girl on the forehead before hugging her against her body, the child wrapping her arms around her neck and resting her head on Holtz's shoulder.

_She has Holtzmann’s eyes. And her hair. She’s a mini-Holtzy._

The sun seemed to glint off of the child’s mop of blonde curls. Erin observed Holtzmann say something to her wife, who then went back into the house. Holtz bounced her dozing daughter by doing an awkward little jig. She turned.

Holtzmann’s bright blue eyes caught Erin’s and the world seemed to stop.

_Holtz…_

The look on Holtzmann’s face was blank for a brief moment. But then one corner of her mouth crooked up. She nodded her head at Erin and turned to walk back into the house with her daughter.

Erin stood motionless for what seemed like eons.

“Erin?” Abby walked up beside her. “Everything all right?”

_She’s so happy and she deserves it. I hope she’s that happy for the rest of her life._

“Yeah Abs.” Erin turned to look at her friend, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

“Everything’s going to be ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've stuck around and read the whole thing, I want to give you a heartfelt thank you. I know this wasn't the easiest fic to read, and it was really difficult to write at times. So thank you for reading and the many thoughtful comments some of you have left.
> 
> A special thanks to my partner-in-crime Dreamshaper who talked me out of chucking this whole thing in the bin countless times and encouraged me along the way. You're the best <3
> 
> The title of the story/chapters came from Heather Nova's [Blood Of Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvlneXc7I2Y), which really encapsulates the Holtzbert in the story.
> 
> (I promise I'm going to write fluff so fluffy now I'm gonna give y'all cavities)
> 
> I'm @geekmisconduct on tumblr by the way. Stop by and say hi.


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